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[Monday the 7th] |
Job hunting. Relationship management. Inner conflict. Insurance. Rent. Renting. Lies. Lying. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better.
Car problems. Heat waves. Plus size. Beach wear. Child bearing. Grocery shopping. Cooking. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better.
Diets. Dieting. Dates. Dating. Pets. Guilt. Responsibility. Straddling the fence. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better.
Creativity, productivity. Time management. Bad dreams. Stress. Fucking stress! It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this. It won't always be like this.
Uniforms, hair dye, shaving my legs. Make up. Shipping & handling. Time management.
Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change. Things will change.
Blowdrying my hair. Buying a bunch of index finger rings I never wear. Losing my lighters. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever. Not forever.
Drinking as an activity. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different. Someday, this will be different.
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[Sunday the 25th] |
Dear Sleep—
Take me. Hold me. Engulf me. You can have me. I am your bitch. Please come quickly.
Love, Linds.
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| Rotation. |
[Thursday the 23rd] |
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Over fb. Over fighting. Over xgirlfriends. Over conformity. Over anticonformity. Over drinking problems. Over promises. Over criticism. Into bike riding. Into the beach. Into self discipline. Into prioritizing. Into confidence. Into dasien projects. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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[Sunday the 19th] |
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"Поздравьте меня! Заходить теперь к вам редко буду" Can someone please tell me what language this is and what it says and why people who write in it all seem to also speak english? And those of you who post comments In it, I really want to read them but I can't! Please translate for me...? Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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[Monday the 30th] |
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I just came back from a weekend that made life before it seem foreign. The way my life is going right now, I'll probably win the lottery this week. Life is seducing me. But my emotions are complicated as ever. My brain is humming, as always. I have so much to say, now. Sleep will sort this out for me. "Ikea will fix this." Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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[Wednesday the 23rd] |
We had our associate pastor & his wife over for dinner last night. Fantastic conversation. I want to go to seminary, now. Religion, like philosophy & psychology, is such a fascinating thing to learn about, no matter if you're a monk or an atheist. There is so much history & mythology surrounding it, it's so rich!
My dad is really angry, though, and I'm sad for him. I'm sad that he is so at odds with his own self. Not that I'm any stranger to the idea, but I love my dad. I wish he had some peace.
Tomorrow we're going to Tehachapi for Thanksgiving. It's going to be a lot of food, hours of board games, & late night reading. I'm way excited. This is MY kind of vacation.
& Then when we come home Carrie & I will be in full holiday mode. The tree goes up on Friday, Christmas shopping begins this weekend, & on Monday I get to decorate the store. This week was pretty hectic at work. A little preview of what December will be. Excited!
There is one other BIG piece of news, but I'm so excited about it that I can't mention it until it's come to fruition. I'm too scared to jinx it. Cross your fingers for me!
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| Moulting. |
[Saturday the 19th] |
Wow I have a lot to say. My brain is spinning. Oh, I’m high by the way. I’m going to just write anything and everything that comes to mind right now & then maybe I can/will elaborate on it later. But right now I just want to catch everything. I just want to cast the net of language into the sea of my thoughts and see what I can capture.
My therapy homework for the week is to define who I am. And tonight my mom said how I made a comment in 7th grade and have been trying to be someone other than myself ever since. And maybe that’s why NOTHING EVER CLICKS FOR ME.
Over the past several months my life has become this dying house plant; aspects of it continue to brown and rot off. Resulting in the resurfacing of my depression, lined with a thickening anxiety. And that mix of circumstance, choices, depression, & anxiety have meant that I’ve been living under a continually amassing cloud of black sludge, lately. Most of the time I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, and everything I do all day long is with great effort, & for the sole purpose of preventing further decay. But my attempts feel like the inadequate drugs of a cancer patient; slowing and dulling an overwhelming problem, but powerless to stop its eventual victory. So, so fucking sad.
Anyway, tonight I had a heart to heart with my mom, and then a great night with Chris, & I got high & sat in his kitchen and talked endlessly about the following subject: despite the way my life feels right now, there are perfect little moments- sudden and unprompted glimpses of the bigger picture, and I am suddenly STRUCK by gratitude. Like, hit over the head with it. And I realize, fully and abruptly, how fucking much I have. And I just think —WOW, life is beautiful. I am so blessed to be here, in this complete and multidimensional experience.
These moments coincide (2nd time in this post so far that I’ve meant to mention pi) with my spiritual journey, as well. Part of the black sludge in my head is this constant & pressing conflicted relationship I have with God. I feel resentful of and confused by him, and generally relate to him as a distant and disapproving father figure. But when the black sludge lifts for a moment, I can feel loved by him, and clearly see how love itself is a celebration of who he is, and who we are to him.
I was telling Chris tonight about my first experience with antidepressants. Tonight reminds me of that. The breaking of a fever. The view from the summit. My life is such a fucking mess right now. My BRAIN is such a fucking mess right now. And then suddenly there are these moments of clarity. And I just can’t explain the breadth of gratitude. It stuns me- I have to catch my breath.
Talking to my mom really, really helped me tonight. I cried my eyes out. I had missed her so much. Ever since she kicked me out, we’ve been a bit strained. We’ve had a few good moments, and we’re getting along fine. But there is a connection with her that I’ve been missing. I didn’t even realize how much I needed her until she held me. True to form as my father’s daughter, I don’t ask for anything that I don’t think I deserve. Having made my own bed, I try to lay in it without complaint or charity. Having broken my own relationship with my mother, I have tried to be stoic about living without it. But finally connecting with her tonight I felt like a little child. I felt so quenched by her affection, and so relieved by her empathy. My mom and I have had such a tremulous relationship over the years, but I have never known a greater example of love.
Love, love, love. There are so many relationships in my life that channel it in all different ways. My mom, my boyfriend, God. I fundamentally don’t understand God’s love, which is a giant fucking obstacle in my relationship with him. I love my mom, but it keeps getting tangled up with expectations and disapproval and the differences of our desires. I love my boyfriend, but I am hesitant and gun shy about romantic love, and have a hard time trusting it enough to immerse myself in it. I’m reading The Four Loves by CS Lewis. Let me reiterate that that man wields language the way any master of their craft wields their tool. I personally consider him the absolute greatest writer in the history of literature. Shakespeare, Dickens, Hemingway- in my personal opinion, no one holds a candle to Lewis’s written word. He is proof to me that each life has a specific purpose, and that when living in alignment with it, human beings are capable of true greatness.
Okay. This night has been the mental rest that I so desperately needed. I feel restored. And I really, really enjoyed writing tonight, and once again feel proud of my ability to do it, even though I seriously abused the use of metaphor, & my general style reminds me of some lacy, flowing, formless dress that my overweight aunt would wear to church. But maybe my mom is right; maybe I really do fight who I truly am, & maybe I would be happier if I just allowed and embraced things about myself like the fact that my prose are basically doilies.
I am going to bed now, not dreading tomorrow.
"Oh death, where is your sting? Oh Hades, where is your victory?
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[Saturday the 19th] |
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I am so freaking proud and jealous of my little sister. She is such an incredible person. What I most admire about her is her diligence & discipline. I have none of that. She excels at everything she sets her mind to. She is so steady and focused. She has her trails, too, and she faces them with such elegance. She has grown up beyond my shadow, and I am continually taken aback by the completeness of who she has become. All my life my relationship to her has been egocentric; I have related to her as who she is to ME: my kid sister. But now she has become this person whose identity demands sovereignty. I admire her and look up to her so much, now. The other day I proofread one of her essays. She wrote 6 pages over the length requirement, on the topic of language development in mentally handicapped children. The paper was dense and beautiful; a work of art. And reading it, I felt surpassed. Growing up, I was a total academic, & Carrie was not at all. In high school I prided myself on my essays, while Carrie best tolerated science. Reading her paper, I realized that she has come to not only possess her own incredible talents, but mine too. I was so proud, and so deflated at the same time.
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[Friday the 18th] |
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My life has been non-stop lately. I have a lot of plates in the air & I'm trying to please a lot of people. But I'm home from work early today & I am taking one hour for myself to curl up in sweats, eat pizza, & watch Gossip Girl. Hell yes.
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[Wednesday the 26th] |
I'm doing a major friends cut.
Lemme know if you wanna stay.
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| A change of heart. |
[Monday the 24th] |
In high school, I dated this guy, and when we broke up he started sleeping with this other girl. She was malicious to me, which I did nothing to provoke other than having dated this guy before her. It really upset me at the time. Also I was still heartbroken over the guy, and I just felt like the two of them laid around talking shit about me (which he years later confessed to be true). She made me feel so small and weak. But it's been years and we now frequent the same parties though we've never actually said a word to each other in person. Quite a while ago, she facebook friended me, which I did appreciate. I accepted, and we've 'liked' a few things on each other's profiles, blah blah, my point is I feel like our peace is implied, now. I'm sure we both realize that we were just being stupid kids. But still, when I see this girl across the room at some event, my mind always jumps to our only shared history- her being mean, and me feeling small.
But someone recently told me about a time in high school when she was on the receiving end of some genuine cruelty, and totally undeserved humiliation. And hearing that story just hit my heart so deeply. Its like I just suddenly realized that she's a real person, and has her own shit going on, and didn't exist just to torment me and sleep with my ex. I don't know how to explain it, but I have been scowling at this girl for nearly a decade, and now all I want to do is, like, hug her. As a side note, one of the participants in this assholery that was dealt to her is a friend of mine, and the story made me feel a lot differently about him, too. This is someone I've always considered to be a truly decent person. And the thought of him being SUCH a dick to this girl- to anyone- really makes me reconsider that. That was before I knew him, though. Maybe he changed? I really don't want to believe that that's the kind of person he really is, and especially that that's the kind of person he's always been all these years that I've adored him.
Anyway, in my younger years I would have written this girl a message and told her about my revelation and about how sorry I am for holding something so stupid against her for all these years. But that's uncalled for. Plus, I seriously doubt that she remembers any of what I'm talking about, or thinks anything of me at all should she happen to catch a glimpse of me across a room at a party. I'm sure it doesn't matter to her.
But it really, really mattered to me.
So I just wanted to tell you all about that.
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[Wednesday the 19th] |
Met with Jess tonight. We're aiming to move out together in 6 weeks. Now just to find a place with a yard for her dog. Hm.
My mom & I are getting along fine. My aunt is still displeased with my spiritual decisions. Last night my dad became the 5th person this month to have some kind of attempted intervention with me about my drinking, lack of sleep, weight gain, and lack of general happiness. Everyone is worried about me. I'm being treated like glass, lately. But today Erik texted me out of the blue saying "Snap out of it! You're going to be fine!" And I said "I really am! Everyone is worried about me, but I'm going to be fine!" And that's how I feel. Maybe all this is for naught.
Going to Vegas with my boyfriend tomorrow to celebrate my birthday, which is Friday. Totally crept up on my this year. Doesn't even feel like the right season.
My life is exciting right now. And by "right now," I mean right this very second. In a matter of hours it could become terrifying, depressing, infuriating, or blissful. These are all emotions that I alternate between on a daily basis.
Also, I miss Kevi.
& Thank God for Byron.
Indulge me while I talk to myself, now: Tomorrow: Work, clean out car, clean room, do laundry, shower, pack, GO. Don't forget: Chapstick, EXCEDRIN, chargers, sunglasses, straightener.
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[Monday the 17th] |
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I decided to live with the 3 girls in Eagle Rock, but when I called back (less than 24 hours after seeing the place) it had been rented. So I'm back to the drawing board. But my mom, now realizing that this is harder than she'd expected, has offered me a little more (undefined amount of) time. And Jess is still interested, so maybe we can get a place together. But I really love Eagle Rock. She really loves Los Feliz. Seriously if I have to spend another hour digging through Craigslist I'm going to pull my hair out.
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| Housing options: |
[Sunday the 16th] |
A) Live with the 33 year old single guy who has his son on the weekends, in a decent sized room in a cute little town house in Glendale with month to month rent.
B) Live with 3 other girls my age in a 4 bedroom back house in awesome Eagle Rock, but have the tiniest room and a 7 month lease.
C) Go back to the drawing board. Nooooooooooo.
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[Monday the 5th] |
Stopped taking my antidepressants.
Stayed up all night.
Life rules.
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[Sunday the 4th] |
I can't keep doing this to myself.
Can I?
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| Note to self. |
[Wednesday the 31st] |
"The interplay between sexuality and emotions is complex. Huxley realized that monogamy, sex, and family ties generate most human emotions. Thus, the society rests on promiscuity and baby factories. The goal is to eradicate emotions by replacing them with pure sexual desire and nothing else. This, combined with the baby factories, destroys family life and monogamous relationships. The state directs most emotions, which is necessary for social control and stability. Interestingly, George Orwell used the opposite technique in 1984. Orwell banned sexual relationships in order to eliminate dangerous emotions that might go against the state. However, since both authors realized that sexual emotions destabilize society, each technique achieves the identical goal of elimination of sexual emotions."
- http://www.gradesaver.com/brave-new-world/study-guide/section1/
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[Sunday the 7th] |
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[Saturday the 6th] |
I got the IUD yesterday. I had cramps for the rest of the evening, but Byron took care of me & I feel okay, now. I think this was a really good idea.
Now I'm looking up how to become a college transfer counselor & wondering if it's too late to turn my life around.
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